


illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs

by whiteberryx



Series: somewhere i can rest my soul [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Fluffy Ending, i watched manic and lowdown a lot while writing this and it shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:34:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteberryx/pseuds/whiteberryx
Summary: As time passes, Alex and Casey find their way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to crank out as much as I can while these two are still cooperating. 
> 
> Title from my all-time DCFC song, I'll Follow You into the Dark.

Alex tries to be careful. There are too many things that can go wrong, too many moments where it’s easy to slip up. Despite the fact that they fell into bed after their second date, Alex vows to take things slowly when Casey leaves her apartment around noon, their morning shower going until the water went cool.

That vow evaporates when they have dinner after work the following Monday. Alex can’t keep her hands off of Casey, pushing her inside her apartment after Casey walks her home, pulling her into the bedroom and keeping her there until the early hours of the morning. When Casey leaves with one last kiss, Alex reminds herself that she is nothing if not persistent. She makes the vow again.

This time, she makes it two days, and that’s with her deliberately avoiding Casey at the office. The woman is a siren, luring her to exactly what she shouldn’t be doing — lingering in the doorway of her office, taking an extra ten minutes over coffee between the courthouse and Hogan. It’s too easy to give in, every time. It doesn’t seem like Casey even tries to pull her in. Alex wonders if this is precisely why they stayed so far apart previous to this, because if they hadn’t, they’d be in each other’s orbit all the time.

By all logic, they’re supposed to start slowly. There are about a dozen reasons they shouldn’t be doing this, but they’re all outweighed by the one reason they should: because they want to. Alex has never found someone who understands the job, knows the highs and lows. Someone who knows that things are rarely easy. 

Casey doesn’t seem to care to use the pull she has over Alex, which gives her even more power. Alex thinks Casey must know by now that she’s completely re-written Alex’s social rule book, but she’s never asked. Casey’s an outlier in her entire dating history, as Alexandra in New York and Massachusetts, Emily in Wisconsin, and Jennifer in South Dakota. 

Alex doesn’t even think that she had rules, borne from experiences of ill-fated relationships, selective friendships and varied one night stands, but she realizes it shortly after Casey appeared. Gone are the meticulously thought-out dates and formulaic events and engagements. Even invitations extended to her more casual bedmates were more planned than some of her dates with Casey.

They go out for upscale drinks or fine dining, but usually to close out a day of exploring the city like tourists. Alex would have never gone to Mmuseumm, but with Casey, she might even prefer it over the Morgan Library. She takes Casey to the Met and the Whitney, but they’ll end up at a bar after, Casey half-watching the Rangers, never the Islanders, before they end up at someone’s apartment. 

It goes like this for another three weeks, but after Casey stays over three work nights in a row after a weekend spent around the city by day and in Alex’s bed by night, it’s difficult to say this is casual. It seems too logical when they agree that they’re dating, monogamously, and even though there isn’t anyone else, Alex doesn’t let herself think about what that means.

*

Two months after, Casey notices that she sleeps over at Alex’s more often. It isn’t a discussion, barely two sentences of out-loud observation, but it’s only in the dark of the bedroom where there’s an uncharacteristic eight inches of space between them that Alex says what she wanted to say when Casey’s head was in her lap in the living room, looking up at her.

“You live close to my previous apartment,” Alex says, looking firmly at the drapes in the darkness. She feels the bed shift, Casey’s probably rolling over to face her, but she doesn’t make any other noise.

Casey’s out-lawyering her, letting the silence do the talking, and Alex knows there’s no other way this is going to go. “When I heard the address on the tape, that’s when it was real.” They aren’t strangers to threats, hate mail and the occasional confrontation on the steps of the courthouse, but hearing it in on tape in a dim meeting room had been completely different. It hadn’t been the first time Alex’s personal and professional lives collided, but it had been the first time Alex’s powers of compartmentalization couldn’t do a damn thing.

Casey stays silent, but Alex senses her shift closer still, resting her arm around Alex’s midsection. Alex doesn’t consider herself a cuddler, but with Casey around, she could be one.

“The night of our first date, I went four blocks west before I came back around. So I’d be on the right side of the street.”

Casey presses her face to the back of Alex’s neck, burying her face in her hair. Neither of them say anything. Casey squeezes her gently, kisses her shoulder — the right one, all scar tissue and stiff joints — then settles behind her. Alex’s whole body relaxes, hips and back and neck all at once, and yet again, Casey unknowingly wields her power. 

They don’t discuss it again, but Alex clears some closet space for Casey the next morning before going to start the coffee while Casey takes a shower.

*

Another month after that, Casey stops by Alex’s office on her way out, coat over her arm. Alex is up to her neck in paperwork, and the wistful smile on Casey’s face tells her that she doesn’t have to say anything. They’re supposed to get dinner, but the only thing that Alex is doing in the foreseeable future is file review.

Casey looks behind her briefly. They haven’t told anyone yet, in or outside of the office, about their relationship. At first, it had been because they were trying to take things as they came. Then, it had been not to put any more pressure on themselves than they already had. After that, it seemed like the right thing to do; there was no written protocol explicitly prohibiting their relationship, but there was enough chance of implicit disapproval. 

The coast appears to be clear, because Casey opens her mouth. “Give me your key,” Casey says.

“Good evening to you, too,” Alex replies, but she reaches for her bag anyways to give Casey what she’s demanded.

“Steak or chicken?” 

“Steak.” 

Casey nods, then checks her phone. “Think you’ll be done around eight?”

Alex looks at her desk, three stacks of files to the side, then back at Casey. “Do I have a choice?”

Casey gives her a smug smile in response, dimple teasing, and leaves.

When Alex gets to her apartment at half past eight, dinner is ready, Casey’s pouring the wine, and half of the cookware is already drying on the in-sink rack.

“You’re amazing.” Dropping her briefcase on the chair by the door, Alex walks over and kisses Casey hello. She’s changed into a t-shirt and Alex’s ancient Yale crew sweatpants, and the sight of casual Casey is just too endearing.

“Maybe taste it first,” Casey says, but Alex just gives her a look. Casey can outcook Alex — not that it’s that difficult — any day of the week. 

*

After dinner, Alex is signing off on the last of her files while Casey alternates between practicing her opening statement for next week and setting up her team for the start of fantasy baseball season. She can’t understand how Casey’s mind goes back and forth between the two effortlessly, and immediately as soon as she thinks it, Casey looks up at her.

“Task rotation is an essential part of productivity,” is all Casey says, sitting up and putting her notepad on her side of the couch. Just like they have sides of the bed, they have sides of the couch already, at both their places. Alex’s side has the crossword and case files, the coffee table is the ‘neutral zone’ for drinks and remotes, and Casey’s side has her iPad, watch and earrings. It never escapes Alex how domesticated the two of them can be, and it feels comfortable and uneasy at the same time. It must be manifesting as bafflement on her face, because Casey continues. “Your pen stopped. I figured you were trying to figure out what I was doing.”

Alex pushes her glasses up on her nose and rolls her eyes. Casey is freakishly attuned to her, which is probably why she doesn’t say anything about the power she has in this relationship. “Not everything is about you,” Alex says, but she smirks when she says it to take out all the sting. 

Casey smiles innocently and moves to straddle Alex’s lap. “Maybe not,” she allows, “but you’re paying an awful lot of attention to me right now.” She leans in for a kiss, but Alex is too quick for her. One hand slides up Casey’s back, into her now-short hair, and tugs to expose the soft skin of her neck. Alex nips at Casey’s throat, then under her jaw, while her other hand slides into her back pocket to keep her close. It’s not long before Casey’s squirming on top of her. No matter how many ways Casey can bend Alex’s rules, Alex knows exactly how and when to wield her power.

Mewling as Alex nuzzles at the neckline of her v-neck, teeth teasing, Casey impatiently tugs at Alex’s sweater. “Alex,” Casey says, voice pitched higher than usual. Alex hums against Casey’s sternum, before kissing her way up to capture Casey’s mouth with her own. Open and hungry, this is how Alex had thought, once upon a time, that their first kiss would go. It was the exact opposite, but that doesn’t mean that Alex can’t kiss her like this as many times as she wants now.

Eventually they make it to the bedroom, already naked by the time they make it to on to the bed, and Alex makes sure she’s on top. Casey writhes under her, moaning as Alex makes her come first with her fingers, and then her tongue. It’s never been about dominance in the bedroom, but Alex is pretty sure this is one of the few ways she has to tell Casey just how much power they can wield over one another.

*

They still haven’t had the key talk some weeks later, but Casey borrows Alex’s with some regularity. Alex still doesn’t go to Casey’s apartment without her, but she knows Casey doesn’t expect her to start. Alex has a late afternoon motions hearing, and since Casey will be on her way back to the office after arraignments, they’ve already agreed that Casey will take Alex’s keys and start on dinner. It’s been a week since Casey’s been able to stay the night, a rarity these days, so they had both wanted to make sure that tonight is about them.

Alex hadn’t expected the two of them to get serious this quickly, but Casey just fits. She knows when to push, she knows when Alex needs her space. Sure, she watches too much ESPN some days, avoids laundry like the plague, and speaks too quickly for her own good sometimes, but it all seems miniscule in the face that they’ve been together for almost half a year.

Casey’s already in front of the courtroom, and she smiles briefly at Alex as she approaches. They’re always careful in public, but Alex can physically feel it getting harder as she schools her grin into a closed-mouth smile. And then the door behind Casey opens, and Olivia and Nick are joining Casey as an awkward welcoming party of three.

“Detectives, Counselor,” Alex says as she approaches. Olivia and Nick nod their greetings. “Casey, can I see you before motions?”

Casey nods, and the two of them duck into an unused room across the hall. “What’s going on?” Casey asks as soon as the door shuts.

“You asked for my key earlier today,” Alex reminds her. She’s taken it off the ring already, so she gives it loose to Casey, who puts it in her bag.

Sighing, Casey looks relieved. “I thought something bad happened.”

“No, nothing.” 

There’s a moment of silence; something starts to tighten in Alex’s chest, ice forming in the pit of her stomach, and she knows something is about to happen. 

“You could have … oh.” Casey’s face goes courtroom-neutral, and that doesn’t ease the tension inside of Alex. 

This is not the time, nor the place, for this conversation, but Alex can’t stop herself from opening her mouth. The dread gives way for something else, just as uncomfortable but searing hot now. “Oh, what?”

“I get it,” Casey says, her voice colder than usual. She goes to leave, but Alex reaches out, holds her by the forearm.

“Say it,” Alex challenges. It’s short-sighted, she has to be in chambers in minutes and be the perfectly poised Alexandra Cabot, but she can’t let go.

Casey pulls her arm away, but doesn’t make to leave. “Not going to draw your own conclusion, Counselor?” she snaps. “Would it have been the end of the world if you gave me your extremely non-descript key without asking me to hide with you?”

Alex takes a breath, presses her lips together to force herself to slow down. “Would it be the smart thing to do to give you a key in front of two detectives?”

“We’re lawyers. We’re quick thinkers. It could have been your office key, for Christ’s sake.”

“Or, we could leave nothing to question.” Alex crosses her arms. She can practically feel her Ice Queen armor slipping on, familiar and battle-hardened. Eventually, this would have come up, but of course it has to happen during the workday, at the courthouse, when both of them are supposed to be at their sharpest.

The muscle in Casey’s cheek twitches. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

A hundred scenarios that Alex has thought about before rush through her head all at once, varying in plausibility. Some always rise to the top: they both get fired, they both get suspended, maybe Uncle Bill doesn’t approve of Casey. “It doesn’t matter what the worst is. What does matter is that there aren’t many great outcomes.” Alex glares at Casey, and while others would cower, Casey seems to rise.

“We’ve been making excuses for weeks, Alex, and we’re still here. We can’t be a secret forever.”

“Excuses?” 

“We’re figuring things out, people will talk, we don’t know what the future holds,” Casey says, voice going mockingly high as she lists of their — Alex’s — reasons as to why they don’t share their relationship, even with mutual friends. “We’re still here,” she repeats.

Alex knows she’s cutting her time dangerously close, and then her phone goes, an alarm to remind her that she has to be in chambers in five minutes. “This isn’t over,” she says, and she leaves before Casey can say anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had the whole story done, then i changed one detail, and now it's going to be a little longer than the two chapters planned...

The triumph of every motion going her way is quickly dampened when she gets back to her place. Alex opens the door and Casey’s already in the kitchen. Even though they’re not seeing eye to eye, Casey follows through on her word and cooks, which eases some of the tension in Alex’s chest.

“How were motions?” Casey asks, not turning around.

“Got them all,” Alex said. She leans over Casey’s shoulder to see what she’s doing, and satisfied she doesn’t have anything sharp in her hands, rests her head on Casey’s shoulder, one arm around her waist. Casey stops peeling carrots, but she doesn’t turn around and kiss Alex hello like she usually does.

Alex lets go, the tension back twofold. “I’m going to change.” She stalls in the bedroom, keenly aware that she could have reacted better at the courthouse, but that doesn’t change the way she feels. 

Casey’s made some pork, rice and vegetable dish that smells good, but it’s tasteless to Alex. They eat in silence, Casey going through emails while she eats. Alex finishes the crossword that  she hadn’t had time to finish earlier. It’s not abnormal for them to do this, but the quiet is never as heavy as it is now.

It’s only when Alex starts the dishwasher and turns to leave the kitchen when Casey says something, leaning against the doorframe. Her hands are in her pockets and while it may look casual, it’s anything but. “We can’t avoid it all evening.”

Alex leans against the counter, the tightness in her chest spreading to her stomach. The distance between them is barely ten feet, but to Alex, it seems like a mile. 

“Are you going to start, or shall I?” Casey asks, but she waits only a second. “Fine. I’m tired. I’m tired of us pretending like we’re not in a relationship outside of our apartments. I’m tired of keeping this under wraps. I’m not saying we go out and put little rainbow flags on our laptops. We don’t have to tell everyone. I don’t care if you don’t kiss me outside, hell, I don’t care if you don’t hold my hand in public. I just want to be Casey, Alex’s girlfriend, not Casey, Alex’s colleague.

“Alex, I agreed because I wanted to be happy, with you, and I am happy with you. But if this is as serious to you as it is to me, I need something more than ‘we’ll figure it out.’”

Every word out of Casey’s mouth is rational and it stings. “It is,” Alex says, guilty that the short response is all she can muster.

“Then why can’t it be real outside?” Casey asks.

Alex looks away, crossing her arms. She knows whatever comes out of her mouth decides the fate of her relationship with Casey. “In here, we’re great. More than great. I’ve never felt better than when I’m with you.” Alex pauses, her throat tightening and her eyes stinging. She hasn’t cried about a relationship since when she was twenty-six, and the man she fell in love with—

And there it is; Alex can’t stop herself as she steamrolls on, feeling like she’s watching herself in slow motion. “I love you.”

Casey opens her mouth, shuts it, then tries again. “This isn’t how I pictured you saying it for the first time,” she says, her voice cracking.

“Yeah.” She doesn’t miss Casey’s choice of words, and she figures that the other woman had been waiting for the right moment. She digs her fingernails into her palms, trying to keep herself present, but everything seems to be disintegrating quicker than she can hold onto it. “I’m not saying it to change the discussion. I know we need to have it. I’m saying it because I do. I do love you.”

Casey gives her a long look, and Alex doesn’t want to try to decipher it. Instead, she looks at the floor while she waits for Casey to say something. The silence stretches on for too long, and when Alex looks up, Casey’s eyes are wet and she looks utterly lost. “I should go.” She turns to leave, walking towards the door.

“Casey. Casey!” Alex calls after the other woman, and when she reaches the foyer, Casey’s shoes and coat are on, she’s taken a tissue from the box at the front, and she looks so tired that all Alex wants to do is help her out of her coat and draw a bath for them. They’d cuddle together in her thousand thread count sheets and it would be like today never happened.

“You don’t get to tell me that you love me, but only inside. If that’s how this is going to be, then maybe we don’t need that discussion after all.” Casey dabs her eyes, then stuffs the tissue in her pocket. She gives Alex one last glance, then leaves, shutting the door quietly behind her. 

Alex stands in the foyer for too long before going to lock the door. 

*

Alex oversleeps the next morning, and even though she’s doing a passable Tasmanian Devil impression, whirling about through her shower, closet and then out the door, the only thing she can think about was how long the night felt. She had laid in bed for hours after Casey left, watching the late evening light slant through the room before it turned to night, then seeing the sky start to brighten before her eyes shut. 

She hadn’t been able to stop picking apart every moment she could remember from their relationship, and with almost half a year, there had been plenty of moments she could recall. Should she have said something differently, done something differently? Her mind had turned every possibility over for hours, back and forth, and not just the evening’s events. She hadn’t had an spell like this in months. She’d been good about taking her medication, and it’d been helping.

It’s more than just the medication that helps. It’s Casey.

She knows she’s been selfish. She hasn’t done right by Casey, nor their relationship. It was — is — a real relationship, and Alex keeps it their secret, untouched by anything terrible outside, so that everything is fine. Alex never has to worry about their relationship, because it’s always tucked away in its neat little corner, where Casey is there and dinner isn’t always takeout and they can just be themselves.

As she walks into the office, trying not to think about how she drove on auto-pilot, Alex concludes that they should have been more than fine.

She’s only ten minutes late, and she’s lucky that she doesn’t have court today, so she can try and plow through some files. That luck disappears, however, when she walks by the kitchen and hears Cutter trying to persuade Casey that the plea deal she had offered was the right move. That means that Casey likely isn’t going to court; she’s going to be in office, forty feet from Alex for virtually the entire day.

*

Alex keeps the door shut, her ‘paperwork’ soundtrack on as she writes out the first outline of her opening statement by hand. Every hour, she checks her email, but her phone stays in her bag, in a drawer. It’s a routine she established early on in her career, something to try when it feels like everything is slipping away. That’s an understatement as to how she feels right now, but she can’t afford to concentrate on the knots in her stomach and headache behind her eyes. 

Around one, there’s a knock, and then a familiar head pokes in. It’s Rollins.

“Detective,” she says, not unkindly.

Rollins just nods. “Neither you nor Novak have come up for air today. Thought I’d check in while I was dropping off files for Hardwicke.” She pauses. “Everything okay?”

“Fine,” Alex responds. “Just paperwork.”

“Novak’s not looking so great herself. Would hate to see the both of you get sick at the same time.” She looks like she’s about to say more, but her phone goes. “Rollins,” she says, giving Alex a flat-handed wave goodbye as she shuts the door behind her.

Alex turns her music up louder.

*

Managing to avoid Casey all day is a victory for Alex, but it rings hollow when she comes home. Her apartment is too quiet, and the kitchen is dark. Alex drops her takeout on the table as she goes to change, and she falls easily into routine, but it doesn’t seem right without Casey. For the past few months, if they haven’t been able to be in the same home, they’ll be talking or texting throughout the night. The only notifications that Alex gets tonight are emails, and soon Alex has to keep her phone in another room so she doesn’t keep looking at it, waiting for Casey’s name to flash on the screen.

The night stretches on in silence, and it doesn’t help Alex’s insomnia. She hadn’t been using any of her sleep aids for weeks, but tonight seems like as good a night to cave as any. She picks the strongest one from her meticulously ordered cabinet before sliding into the sheets. She knows it’s unlikely that she’ll have two quiet days in a row, and she won’t be able to be as reclusive tomorrow as she was today. She barely registers the bed’s emptiness as she drifts off, the pills doing their job, but the last thing on her mind, like every night of the previous months, is Casey.

*

It goes like this until Friday afternoon, Alex running on what essentially is cruise control, when Casey’s at her office door. It’s work related, Alex is sure, but that doesn’t do anything to ease the apprehension. They’d been so good at staying away from each other, and now, Casey’s not more than twenty feet away and it feels like all the oxygen is gone from the room.

Alex has gone through a dozen scenarios in her head on loop, but none of them had prepared her for this. She hadn’t expected Casey to be at her door, none of the scenarios she had in her head featured Casey coming by her door first. It’s throwing everything else, just a little off kilter.

“From Cutter,” Casey says, setting the files on the table in front of Alex’s desk. If this was any other day, Casey would have gone right up to the desk, into Alex’s personal space.

“Thanks,” Alex responds absently. She hasn’t moved from her desk, her eyes following Casey the entire time.

Casey’s about to leave, but she turns at the door. “Are you free tonight? I think we should talk.” She’s quiet, ensuring that her voice doesn’t get picked up by anyone in the hallway. Alex thinks she sees dark circles under Casey’s eyes, the telltale sign that she’s been up just as restless as her, and it’s enough to make her nod.

“I’ll be home around seven.” It’s half past four now.

Casey nods, then leaves. Alex tries not to think about the butterflies in her stomach.

*

Alex is walking in the door at ten to seven when her phone pings. Casey wants to know if she should bring food, but seeing the date stamp and being reminded that they haven’t been in touch for a few days is enough to make Alex’s chest tighten again. Alex taps back,  _ Sure, your turn to pick _ before she can stop herself. Even though they’ve been apart, Alex still knows whose turn it is to pick dinner, whose turn it is to do pick up dry cleaning.

Alex changes and takes out her contacts, and that fills the time between Casey’s message and arrival. When Alex answers the door, Casey’s holding a bag of Chinese and she looks tired. She comes in silently, and puts the take out on the coffee table before getting comfortable. “Tea?” Alex asks. She knows Casey likes jasmine tea with Chinese, and she’s comforted a bit to see the other woman nod.

They sit on opposite ends of the couch, watching the news while eating chicken and noodles, and it almost feels normal to Alex, because half of their Fridays since they started dating were like this. The silence between them now isn’t quite as suffocating as before, but Alex knows that the second Casey puts down her chopsticks, the night could go anywhere. Alex keeps half an eye on Casey, but she seems content to eat in silence, reading the ticker of scrolling headlines at the bottom.

Alex is already finished eating, and is drinking the last of her tea when Casey puts down her chopsticks and flicks the television to mute. “Are you ready?”

Alex looks at her, picks up the remote and turns it off completely. “No.” Any other version of Alexandra Cabot would have said otherwise, but this is the Alex that only Casey knows.

The silence stretches on for maybe a beat too long, so Alex finds herself starting. She isn’t sure she should tell Casey about her week, but if she can’t be honest with her now, chances are another week like this will happen sooner rather than later. “I had to start taking Ambien again.”

Casey’s no stranger to Alex’s virtual pharmacy, and she nods. “Doesn’t it interact with the Luvox?”

Alex shakes her head. Casey had always made it a point to keep up with her prescriptions, which is somehow more endearing to Alex than the little notes Casey would put between the coffee cup and paper sleeve on coffee runs. 

“Good,” Casey says, then she starts fiddling with her necklace. She then drops it in favor of twisting a ring around her finger, and Alex looks away. Watching Casey fidget is making her even more nervous.

She’s thought of too many scenarios in the past few days, so she just has to start with one of the half-dozen things she came up with _.  _ “I don’t regret saying it the other night. I do love you.”

Casey’s eyes water, and Alex tries not to flinch. If the thought of Alex loving her makes her cry, this talk might be over before it starts. “You shouldn’t regret it. I… I love you, too.” Casey’s voice is little more than a whisper. “I love you,” she repeats, louder, but her voice still trembles. She doesn’t move from where she sits at the end of the couch, she turns her head to look at Alex. “You already know what I need,” she continues quietly. 

Alex knows she’s responsible for this subdued version of Casey, and it’s up to her to make it right. Casey, the normally vibrant, verbose, beautiful Casey, is being more than clear with Alex. She can go toe to toe with the worst of humanity, war criminals and rapists and a Colombian drug cartel, but taking the next step with Casey seems to be on a different plane completely. There is no justice to fight for here, it’s just them. Alex seldom prioritizes her own happiness and she knows it; the fact she has the chance to now, it’s so foreign she can’t quite wrap her head around it.

“I do,” Alex replies, knowing that Casey needs that affirmation. Sometimes, in the dead of night when Alex couldn’t sleep and Casey was on her back beside her, Alex would watch the light of New York play across her skin and think about how lucky she was. Other times, she’d be sitting in the vee of Casey’s legs, reading and drinking coffee while Casey watched ESPN with the volume low, and realize she was never more content. 

It’s frightening how easily Casey was able to insinuate herself in Alex’s life. Maybe the door had always been open, and Casey was the only one bold enough to walk through. Alex can’t take too long to dwell on it, so she edges closer, sitting on the middle cushion now. They’re not touching, but the distance isn’t as insurmountable as it once seemed.

Casey doesn’t say anything else, out-lawyering Alex again. She’s blinked her tears away; up close, the tiredness in her eyes is more visible. Another pang of guilt digs at Alex. “It wasn’t fair to you to keep our relationship closed off. I can’t sit here and lie to you, tell you that I’m totally comfortable with the idea of putting ourselves out there.”

“It’s not fair to you either. You’re allowed to to accept things you enjoy. I’d like to think you enjoyed being together,” Casey replies.

The use of past tense makes Alex cringe, and then it clicks; she doesn’t want to talk about them as something that happened. 


	3. Chapter 3

“I  _ enjoy _ being together,” Alex stresses the present tense. Her stomach is a knot and there’s a bit of a chill running down her spine. She glances at Casey, and she can tell that she caught the deliberate phrasing. They’re lawyers, after all.

Casey licks her lips, seemingly less confident than Alex has ever seen her. “I shouldn’t have walked out. I… I didn’t realize what it could trigger until I got to my place. And then, well…”

Even though it’s in hindsight, the fact that Casey acknowledges her health is more comforting than it should be. She doesn’t want to make Casey feel guilty for setting her off in a cycle of increasingly self-deprecating thoughts; it happens, with or without any outside influence. “That … it will always be part of this. It will always be here.”

“And that’s okay,” Casey responds patiently. “And you’re more than okay. You make me happy, and, well, I’d like to think you’re happy too.” Her voice catches mid-sentence and she’s looking somewhere in the vicinity of Alex’s cheekbone but if it’s one thing that Alex loves about Casey, it’s that she’s not afraid of conversations. She’s talking in present tense again, and Alex’s insides relax a bit.

“That’s never been in doubt,” Alex says quietly. She can’t ready Casey’s facial expression right now, a softer version of her courtroom face, and she wonders if she’s trying to hide her train of thought. At least she’s stopped fidgeting. Alex feels her shoulders drop, her back relax and then she takes a breath. “I want to try, for you.”

Casey catches her gaze now and her face turns pensive. “You can do it for you, too.”

“When I tell you you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I mean it,” Alex continues. She’d said it twice, once when they were sharing a lazy Sunday morning in bed, coffee and sex and catching up on a month’s worth of issues of  _ The New Yorker _ and  _ The Economist _ , and another when Casey had taken her to Coney Island on a sunny Saturday; one was so far in her comfort zone, and the other just enough out of it. Casey usually nudged, sometimes pushed, but rarely shoved, and Alex appreciated it more than she could say.

“I know,” Casey says easily. “You’re not a liar. Remember, I’ll be here.”

Alex has heard these words before, and as much as she believes it when it comes from Casey, she has to be sure. “Even when I can only think in worst case scenarios, even then?”

Casey stops her with a hand on her knee. “ _ Especially _ then. You can’t shake me that easy, Alex.” The pensiveness on Casey’s face has melted away, and all that’s there is acceptance, easily decipherable now.

It doesn’t stop Alex from reaching for familiar scenarios, the most dangerous what ifs she’s thought about in the dead of the night when Casey’s not beside her in bed. Sometimes she wants to call Casey, even when it’s half past 3 and she hasn’t slept. She talks herself out of it, every time, but it doesn’t stop her from wanting to do it. “And what if—”

Casey squeezes Alex’s knee gently now, stopping her words from overwhelming them both. “Then you’ll think that, but I’ll be right here with you. For you.”

Alex puts her hand on top of Casey’s, and their fingers interlace on instinct. This is the first time they’ve touched in days, and a few more things settle in place inside Alex. The tightness in her chest is gone, and there are no more butterflies. She’s about to say something, but her phone beeps. 

“It’s time,” Casey says, letting go of Alex’s hand, but not moving otherwise.

“Yeah.” Alex gets up and heads to the washroom. 

Once in the washroom, the familiar routine gives Alex a moment of calm. Pills, at the same time, every day. It’d been hard to stick to the schedule before witness protection, but once she got there, for a long time, it was the only thing she had to look forward to. It meant the end of the day, that she could think about going to bed without it being embarrassingly early. Nowadays, the ritual feels like it’s somewhere in between, in terms of importance. 

Alex shakes out two pills, then cuts one in half. One half stays in its little cutter, and she takes the other with the whole pill. On her more introspective days, it’s frightening to her that a half-pill can throw everything just off kilter enough that her need to think overrides her need to sleep and every sport utility vehicle with tinted windows driving by is possibly being driven by a gang of Colombian hitmen, but she’s got much more to think about now, with Casey in her living room.

Alex expects the worst when she catches her reflection in the mirror, and she’s surprised when it doesn’t appear like she’s been hit by a truck. Her eye makeup is smudged a bit and she’s looking a bit wan under the bright light, but not as bad as she thought it would be. She puts the bottle and pill cutter back into the drawer, then turns off the light.

She finds Casey in the kitchen, putting the rest of the food in the fridge and carefully folding the takeout boxes so they won’t take up too much room in the trash.

“You don’t have to do that,” Alex says from the doorway. The fact that they’re in a reverse of how this whole thing started isn’t lost on her.

“It was the least I could do,” Casey says, washing her hands after a successful battle with the trash can. “Do you—”

In three strides, Alex has Casey against the counter, her hands gripping the edge on either side of Casey’s hips, their bodies pressed together. She leans in, foreheads touching, and they’re eye to eye. Though they haven’t been nearly this physically close all week, this is the most comfortable Alex has felt this whole time. She wonders if Casey’s feeling what she’s feeling, considering she’s not making any attempt to move away from Alex.

“Are we ready for this?” Alex asks, careful to not break eye contact.

Casey keeps her eyes fixed on Alex’s. “I’m ready when you are.”

Alex breathes in slowly. “I might not be ready,” she admits, “but I have to try.”

“For you?” Casey asks.

“For us. You’re right,” Alex answers, voice dropping to half its normal volume, continuing before Casey can get a word in edgewise, “I need to do this for me, but by extension, that’s us. There’s still an us.”

“There’s still an us,” Casey confirms, wrapping one arm around Alex’s waist. Alex lets her head drop to Casey’s shoulder, breathing in deeply. The warmth from Casey is almost too pure, too comforting, but Alex lets herself soak it in. 

After a long moment, Alex has to know. “Why are you still here?” She can’t think of a better way to phrase it, but she knows Casey’s used to this.

Casey pulls back, but she keeps her arm around Alex’s waist. Her other hand tilts Alex’s head up so she can look at her. “Because I love you,” Casey says simply, like it’s the only possible answer. “All of you.” Alex tries to cut in, but Casey keeps going. “Yes, all of you. You are strength, courage. Intelligence, beauty and resilience. Passion, wit. A thousand other things, before your anxiety. If I have to tell you every day, I will do so happily, because it means there’s an us.”

Casey’s voice doesn’t waver, and Alex loves her a little more for it. “Casey, I’m sorry,” she says, and though it feels like apologies are trite here, she has to say it.

Casey shakes her head gently before she leans her forehead against Alex’s again. It’s comfortable, Alex decides, and even though she feels wrung out from their talk, she’s grateful. “I love all of you,” is all she says, before she leans in to kiss Alex.

They haven’t kissed in almost a week, and it starts achingly slowly. Every brush of their lips is another apology, and an acceptance. Alex feels Casey’s arms around her waist as her own hands slide up into Casey’s hair, and then she’s being turned, twisted and hoisted upwards, onto the counter. Alex clings on, legs around Casey, and when they part, seconds, minutes later, they’re only a little more than a hair’s breadth apart.

“You know I’ll be here,” Casey says, voice low, “and here I am telling you. Alex. I am here.”

“Stay with me,” is all Alex can say in return.

*  


When Alex wakes up, Casey is still sleeping. They had agreed that there wasn’t any pressure to have sex, but as soon as Casey had followed Alex into bed, Alex couldn’t resist pulling her close and stripping away her clothes. It was what she had needed, and what Casey willingly gave. They’d spent the rest of the night with nothing between them, letting themselves feel each other like they were just learning how they fit together. 

Alex nestles closer to Casey, and Casey shifts, giving Alex more room in her sleep. There’s a comfort Alex hasn’t felt since Casey walked out earlier in the week, and she knows, right to her bones, that this is where they’re supposed to be. Casey has granted her another chance, and she can’t let her slip away.

In the hazy light of the morning, sunlight peeking through the blinds, everything seems a little more dreamy. Alex could stay in the warmth of her bed and Casey for hours, but the lure of skin on skin is too much to resist. Now that Alex has the comfort of Casey back, she wants to show her at every chance just how much it means to her. She’s better with her words when they’re rehearsed, or when she’s able to be as acerbic as she pleases, and she’s long since learned she has to show her feelings in different ways.

Leaving the warmth of her spot next to Casey is a small price to pay as she slides over her body, then down, the weight of her body pushing her legs apart. Pressing slow, sloppy kisses along Casey’s sternum, then lower, Alex feels Casey shift under her and start to wake up. Alex looks up, and Casey’s eyes are open, watching her as Alex flicks her tongue against her navel.

“Good morning,” Casey says, looking rather pleased at this wake up call. Alex slides up and gives her a good morning kiss, then heads back down, skin on skin. Her mouth lingers on one nipple, then the other, tongue flicking out until Casey gasps.

Alex feels a little lighter now, and free to take what she wants. She curls one arm around a thigh to give herself enough room, then dips her head down, tongue making long, teasing strokes. 

Casey’s whimpering within minutes, trying to urge Alex on with some pressure on the back of her head. Alex responds with a firmer stroke before pushing her tongue deeper, knowing exactly what makes Casey come undone. Alex cleans Casey with her tongue before she pushes herself up, Casey’s moans still echoing in her ears.

“Good morning,” Alex says teasingly.

Casey’s slumped back against the pillows now, still breathing heavily, her arm flung over her face. “Jesus,” she huffs out, voice scratchy.

“Alex will do.”

“Smartass,” Casey says, and she swats Alex’s shoulder. This feels comfortable again, like how it was supposed to be the whole time. Alex smiles, and it doesn’t fade, even when Casey drags her out of the warmth of the bed and into the shower.

After a shared shower that doesn’t save any water, Casey declares that she’s starving, and as Alex doesn’t have much in the way of food, they’re going out. Casey goes to the drawer where she keeps a couple of changes of clothes; Alex is suddenly extremely grateful she didn’t go moving anything about while they weren’t talking.

Casey catches her Alex staring as she’s pulling on a sweater. “Can I help you?”

“I’m just happy,” Alex says, and she must look surprised because Casey’s smirk blooms into a genuine smile. 

“At this risk of making this morning too serious,” Casey begins, “I really do appreciate your saying that, because I’m happy too.” She crosses the room and kisses Alex chastely, lingering. “And I know it takes a lot to make Alex Cabot say she’s happy,” she adds, the teasing tone taking away the sting of truth. 

“You make it easy,” Alex says quietly, leaning up for another kiss, even though they both know it’s easier here than anywhere else.

Casey steps back to find a pair of socks. “How hungry are you?” she asks, obviously trying to keep them to plan.

“Pastry and coffee hungry.”

“Sounds good to me.”

It’s not quite brunch time yet, so the sidewalks are a little less crowded. As they walk, Alex catches Casey’s hand in her own and threads their fingers together. She can’t resist turning to look at Casey, and the megawatt smile she receives makes Alex feel better than what she thinks a hundred case winning streak would feel like. It won’t always be smooth sailing, she knows, but when Casey looks at her like that, Alex thinks they’re a bit more prepared for whatever comes their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got really stuck on Alex's admission in Manic, about her insomnia and anxiety, and that spawned this whole fic. I might write an epilogue for this, I'm not sure, so I'm leaving it incomplete for now. Calex prompts are also welcomed... this whole story has been a drug. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist a teensy epilogue. Thanks so much for reading and your support ❤

“What if she says no?” Alex paces from wall to wall in the copy room, waiting for her file to finish so she can drop it off before she leaves for the week. With her headphones in and her phone in her pocket, she’s free to fidget with her hands as she talks, never mind the fact that George can definitely not read her body language from where he is in Oklahoma. She supposes she should be grateful for it, but she’s also pretty sure George can infer every little thing she’s feeling just through her voice alone with complete accuracy.

“Alex, has she given you any reason to think that she’d say no?” Alex can picture him behind his desk, pretending to look occupied with his phone call when he’s really just being a friend on the clock.

Alex pauses, making herself consider George’s question. Four more months have breezed by, and considering they spend both day and night in each other’s personal space, it’s been fairly smooth sailing. Both of them still have their jobs, Uncle Bill adores Casey, and the two of them have never felt better. “Well, no.”

“Have you broached the subject before?” George asks, in his usual gently prodding manner.

“No, not seriously. We’ll gossip when a colleague does it, of course, but it never comes back to us.”

“When was the last time you made a decision like this without having all of the information you felt necessary?”

Alex chuckles, despite herself. “When I kissed her for the first time.”

“You mentioned that part of you was ready, then. You wouldn’t have even let yourself think about it if you part of you wasn’t ready, Alex, and it’s potentially the same here. ”

The copier stops. “I suppose,” Alex demurs. She hears heels clicking outside, and she’s eighty percent sure it’s Casey. “I need to go. Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Anytime,” George says, a hint of a smile in his voice. “Take care.”

“You too,” Alex replies, hanging up just as Casey comes in.

“Hey, there you are,” Casey says. 

“Hey, yourself,” Alex responds, pulling her headphones out before giving Casey a smile that she reserves only for her. Even though they’re the only two in the office, they have a promise to be on their best behavior: no kissing and definitely no desk sex — Alex still regrets that lapse in judgement for many reasons.

“I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll have paperwork to do to tomorrow, no matter what I do, so taking tonight off isn’t the worst idea in the world. Did you get my message about dinner?”

“I did, but I forgot to respond. Sorry,” Alex says. 

Casey shrugs. “I’m open to suggestions, except for Chinese, because we already had that this week.”

“Curry?” Alex suggests. A chill has set into the very bones of New York, every corner of the city grey and icy, and something warm seems to suit. 

“Indian or Japanese?” Casey counters.

“Indian, thanks.”

“Perfect. I’m wrapped up, so I’ll pick up and see you at your place?”

Alex nods. “See you later,” she says, another piece falling into place. When Casey calls it her place, and not home, it doesn’t sit quite right. It’s just another piece of evidence on the long list of reasons that she needs to just ask Casey. When she leaves the office an hour later, Alex hasn’t gotten much further on her paperwork, but she’s resolved to not go to bed without asking Casey if she’ll move in with her.

*

Alex comes home to Casey unpacking take-out on the kitchen counter, wearing Alex’s crew sweatpants and a washed out tee. Alex is pretty sure she’s not getting those sweatpants back, and she likes how Casey is obviously comfortable in her clothes, and home. A week after Alex had almost pushed Casey away for the last time, the two of them had given each other keys. They still spend most of their time at Alex’s, even though Casey’s closer to the office. 

“Are you going to subject me to another Rangers game tonight?” Alex half-teases. She doesn’t mind hockey, at least it’s not football, and she knows Casey knows it.

“Funny,” Casey says flatly. “No, they’re out west so it’s a late game. I was going to suggest we catch up on The Americans or something.”

“Sounds good, let me go get changed,” Alex agrees, dropping her case on a chair and then going to the bedroom. She catches a glance of herself in the mirror as she unbuttons her shirt, and it’s almost astounding how much more relaxed she looks when she comes home to Casey. Another exhibit in the People’s evidence, Alex thinks to herself wryly as she changes into house clothes. When she emerges, Casey’s brought the food to the coffee table and the TV is set up to cast from her tablet.

It doesn’t take them the whole episode to eat, so when they’re done, Casey leans back against the arm of the couch and Alex slides back, making herself comfortable in the vee of Casey’s legs. Alex has never felt the need to be so close to someone, physically and otherwise, before Casey, and she knows if she doesn’t do it soon, she’s just going to screw it up by blurting it out at the most inopportune time.

“Move in with me,” Alex says, then realizes that she had done just what she didn’t want to do. 

“What?” Casey asks, pausing the stream.

Now that she said it once, she can’t take it back now. Alex pushes herself up so she can turn around, face Casey and repeat herself. “Move in with me.”

“I heard you,” Casey says faintly. 

She’s quiet for a moment too long, and if this is when all of Alex’s worst fears about their relationship coalesce, she’s not sure she can handle it. Alex thought she’d judged the situation so well, besides blurting out what she wanted. “I really meant to be a little more delicate about it,” Alex continues, trying to cover the silence. “I’ve just been thi—”

“Yes. Yes, Alex,” Casey answers, cutting her off. She pulls her closer, kissing her sweetly, before letting Alex go, but not too far. “I want to. I really want to.”

Alex exhales, the anxiety no longer palpable. “When is your lease up?”

“In a couple months,” Casey replies, playing with the hem of Alex’s shirt. “But…” It’s Alex’s turn to out-lawyer Casey, and it doesn’t take long for her to fill in the silence. “We’re already together most nights….”

“Whenever you want to move in, you can,” Alex reassures her, not letting herself believe what she thinks Casey might be getting at just yet. 

“I don’t want to wait,” Casey says.

Alex catches Casey’s sheepish expression before she can disguise it. “I don’t want to wait, either,” she says, punctuating the statement with a light kiss. “We can figure out the details later. I apparently just couldn’t wait any longer to ask.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Casey murmurs, pulling Alex back in between her legs. She drops a kiss to the top of her head before restarting the show.

Alex settles back down against Casey’s chest, ear to her heart. She’s safe and warm, and above all, happy.

Just how home is supposed to be.


End file.
